Despite persistent cultural myths, sex after 60 isn’t over, it’s just different. And in many cases, it’s still deeply pleasurable, emotionally rich, and physically beneficial. The problem isn’t aging itself; it’s the silence, shame, and lack of honest information surrounding sexuality later in life. Hormonal changes, medication side effects, and bodies that don’t behave like they did at 30 are normal—not embarrassing.
What follows is a candid, funny, and surprisingly hopeful look at senior sexuality by actress and radical age disruptor Mariann Aalda: from “atrophying vaginas” and medical blind spots to octogenarian lovers, diamonds from nursing-home Romeos, and doctors who insist that desire doesn’t retire.
Because whether sex is happening now, later, or someday again, one thing is clear: it has no expiration date.
Sex After 60: What Changes, What Matters, and Why It’s Still Worth Talking About
Iconically, baby boomers are “the Generation of Drugs, Sex & Rock ‘n Roll.” With frontline boomers now on the cusp of 80 and the last of us having crossed the threshold of 60, the “drug” is likely to be something for lower the cholesterol, and in this uncertain economy, the “rock” is quite possibly “between here and a hard place.” However, with any luck at all, “the sex” is still good. It may be different than it was when we were younger, but it’s still good. And if it’s not, it still can be!
But we’ve gotta take the shame out of our sexual game. Hormonal and physical changes – along with the effects of some medications – are nothing to be embarrassed about or afraid of. Having open and honest communication about our desires and physical limitations, and having realistic expectations about arousal and performance are key.
The truth is that for the most part, when it comes to sex, older adults aren’t getting the adequate health information or the emotional and psychological support they need.
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Why Sex After 60 (and Beyond) Has No Expiration Date
Doing my own research on the subject, I discovered that, according to the American Medical School Association, 85% of medical students report receiving fewer than five hours of sexual health education. This is striking, especially considering that there’s a widespread assumption—or “conventional wisdom”—that older adults aren’t interested in sex.
But the astute wisdom I got in my 50s from the then 80-something year old moms of two of my best friends contradicts that.Both are gone now, but one lived to be 95 and the other to 101 – in large part, I believe, to their healthy attitudes about – and practice of – sex.
One of them was given the nickname “Octo-Babe” by her son. She always looked like she just stepped out of a Bloomingdales catalogue and wouldn’t be caught dead in anything that even remotely resembled a house dress. She doled out this advice to her daughter and several of her girlfriends one evening over dinner: “Listen, girls, sex is important, it’s what keeps you young. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell ya, my arthritis was bothering me all last week and then I got laid last night…and when I woke up this morning, the pain was all gone!”
The other one, divorced at 80 after two long-term marriages where both husbands were caught cheating, she decided that there would never be another man in her life. In her words: “There will be many, many men, but never again will there be just one!” And she stayed true to her word, living as if she were in a Harlequin romance.
One day her daughter called me shrieking with laughter: “I just had lunch with mom and she was dripping in diamonds…new earrings, necklace and a bracelet! She said her ‘just-a-friend,’ Harry had given them to her on her last visit with him!”
For the record, Harry was 95 and lived in a nursing home. He had also bought her a Cadillac so she’d have something safe to drive on her visits to him and when he died, he left money in his will for her to get a new Cadillac so she could continue to be safe even after he was gone.
But the true love of her life had moved 1,000 miles away the previous year to be closer to his grandkids. So she had a “kindly, next-door-neighbor fella” to, in her own words, “take care of my neeeeeeds.” Her nickname for him was “Mr. Old Nine Inches!”
Yikes!!! To someone with a shrinking vagina that sounded painful!
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Why Staying Sexually Active Improves Health and Longevity
Medical science confirms the importance of sexual well-being well into later life. Far from being a frivolous indulgence, sexual intimacy has been shown to play a meaningful role in physical health, emotional well-being, and longevity as we age. Research in geriatrics and integrative medicine increasingly confirms what many older adults already know from lived experience: maintaining intimate connections can be a powerful contributor to a longer, healthier, and more vibrant life.
According to the late Dr. Walter M.Bortz, past president of the American Geriatrics Society and former co-chair of the American Medical Association’s Task Force on Aging: “It’s a matter of survival. People that have sex live longer. Married people live longer. People need people. The more intimate the connection, the more powerful the effects.”
That perspective is echoed by Alexis Bender, associate professor of of Medicine, medical sociologist and social gerontologist geriatrics at Emory University in Atlanta: “Sex has been linked to heart health as well as overall mental and physical health”, he said.
From a physiological standpoint, Dr. Robin Miller, a practicing physician with Triune Integrative Medicine in Medford, Oregon, also explains that sex triggers the release of numerous beneficial biochemicals in the body. “Lots of beneficial biochemicals are released by the body during sex. These include DHEA, a hormone that helps with cognitive function, and oxytocin, another hormone that plays a role in social bonding, affection and intimacy.”
So, why stop being sexually active after 60?
“Use It or Lose It”: When the Body Changes Without Warning
Personally, I haven’t had a sexual partner since before the pandemic. It hasn’t been due to an indifference to sex, though, but to a lack of prospects and opportunity. My life has been so filled with an active social life and busy career, that I hadn’t given much thought to the amount of time that had passed, until my last gynecological checkup when the new physician’s assistant assigned to me mentioned my “atrophying vagina.”
Evidently, my “vajayjay” was exhibiting signs of “if you don’t use it, you lose it.”
The news that my vagina was shrinking was delivered in a blunt, matter-of-fact way—no advice, no remedies, and no sense that anything actually needed fixing. I wasn’t in pain, and my bladder behaved perfectly (thank you, daily Kegels, a habit I picked up after my hysterectomy ten years ago). But still as someone who looks forward to finding a romantic partner and having sex with a partner again someday, I began to wonder how I might circumvent that “obstacle” should it ever present itself.
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I turned to Dr. Donna G, MD, who is known on social media as “Your Gyne Guru,” for some answers. She assured me that, yes, the vagina can indeed be rejuvenated with a hormonal cocktail of estrogen and testosterone, and that discomfort due to vaginal dryness can be remedied with oil or silicone-based lubricant.
She shared with me the story of an 80-year old woman who had been celibate for more than a decade after her husband’s death and had begun a relationship with a man twenty years younger.
“It had progressed from flirtation to affection to sexual desire and wanting to consummate the relationship physically, but her vagina was so atrophied that even finger stimulation was difficult,” said Dr. Donna. “The woman wasn’t a regular patient of mine and she was uncomfortable having a conversation about it, but I counseled her; issued a prescription for HRT (hormone replacement therapy); gave specific instructions for her and her boyfriend regarding gentle stretching of the vagina, and assured her that what she was experiencing wasn’t a dysfunction, but was, in fact, normal for a low-hormone body that had been sexually inactive for more than a decade”.
“Your Gyne Guru,” also assured her that “her vagina wasn’t going to open up overnight, but that in a matter of several months – with the hormones and the stretching – her ability to comfortably engage in penetrating sexual activity could be restored. She never returned after that one visit, but I heard through the grapevine that she and her lover are still together and quite happy.”
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I was relieved when Dr. Donna explained that since my lady parts were functioning just fine and I wasn’t experiencing any other post-menopausal issues like insomnia, brain fog or incontinence, there was no obligation for me to start HRT preemptively just to maintain vaginal caliber until I found a sexual partner. She also emphasized that if sex ever became uncomfortable or difficult, I shouldn’t hesitate to consider HRT.
Well, that’s a relief! While there’s no sexual partner on my immediate horizon, it’s nice knowing that I’ll be able to “accommodate” whatever shows up. And, who knows, “the best is yet to come” might not come until my eighties (pun intended.) I’m ready emotionally and now I can relax about being ready physically.
How do you feel about sex after 60—exciting, intimidating, or somewhere in between?
