The 83rd Golden Globes marked the second time Nikki Glaser hosted the annual awards.
Nikki Glaser came back for to host the Golden Globes for a second time on Sunday, Jan. 11, and she slayed.
Ahead of the show, she ruled out jokes about weight loss drugs, as Glaser did when praising “Ozempic’s biggest night” in 2025, the first time she hosted. “Ozempic’s been done,” Glaser told USA TODAY. “Some jokes there’s just not a unique way to do them anymore.”
For the 83rd Golden Globes on Sunday, Jan. 11, she found plenty of new material, roasting stars from Sean Penn to Timothée Chalemet, and referencing current events including the DOJ’s handling of the Epstein files.
Here’s her full monologue.
Nikki Glaser Golden Globes opening monologue
“Good evening and welcome to the 83rd Golden Globes. Yes, the Golden Globes, without a doubt the most important thing that’s happening in the world right now.
“So let’s get down to business, shall we? We’ll start the bidding for Warner Brothers at five dollars. Do I hear five dollars?”Tonight we are celebrating the best of both TV and film right here in the heart of Los Angeles, where no TV or film has been made for the past six years.”I’m Nikki Glaser and, just like Wicked, I’m back for a sequel. Just like Frankenstein I’ve been pieced together by an unlicensed European surgeons. And it’s good work. And just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts – it’s not right.
Golden Globes 2026: Where the stars will be sitting
Go behind the scenes at the 2026 Golden Globes with red carpet rollout, Nikki Glaser and seating arrangements.
“I cannot believe the amount of star power we have in this room tonight it’s insane. There are so many A-listers – and by A-listers I do mean people who are on ‘a list’ that has been heavily redacted.
“But yes… And the Golden Globe for best editing goes to the Justice Department. Congratulations. And the award for most editing goes to CBS News, yes CBS News — America’s newest place to see BS news. We need another.
“Well there are so many Hollywood legends in this room tonight Kathy Bates, Steven Spielberg, yes, George Clooney. Of course, George Clooney is nominated for the movie ‘Jay Kelly’ tonight, yes, where he plays George Clooney. You’re so good.
“George you’re amazing, I’m such a fan I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to you right now. I’ve always wanted to ask you this question, and I know this is unprofessional, but I might not get a chance to do it again, so here it goes: My Nespresso has been coming out kind of watery and I’m wondering, is that like a pod issue? Or you think it might be the filter? Could you troubleshoot it for me later? Thank you so much, grazie signore.
“The Rock is here for ‘The Smashing Machine,’ yes, there he is. The Rock is nominated tonight and luckily for him, the TV show ‘The Paper’ is not, so he might win he might win. That’s a fun one.
“And Kevin Hart is here, yes. The Rock’s plus-one-half. Love you, Kevin. Kevin I love you. Kevin is obviously nominated for his hilarious stand-up special tonight. I love you so much, Kevin. You’re so funny and you and The Rock together are like my favorite comedy duo I– just such a classic comedy duo. You’re like Steve Martin and Martin Short, but for like people under 50 IQ, you know what I mean? Like we need movies, too. ‘Jumanji: Next Level’ was it? I’m just saying. I love you guys.
“Jennifer Lawrence is here. Where is she? Hi, Jen, wherever you are. Oh my gosh, Jen gave such a stunningly visceral performance in ‘Die My Love.’ And you look gorgeous tonight. Oh my god, true story: I once told a makeup artist, ‘Can you make me look like J-Law?’ And he was like, ‘Honey, I can’t even make you look like Jude Law.’ So we laughed.
“The cast of ‘White Lotus’ Season 3 is here: Parker Posey, Walton Goggins, Aimee Lou Wood. One of my favorite shows of all time, I love you guys so much. Did you guys actually know that ‘White Lotus’ Season 3 was the first hit show to feature incest since ‘Property Brothers’ season all of them? That’s so interesting right?
“Leonardo DiCaprio is here for ‘One Man Bun After Another.’ How good was Leo in ‘One Battle’? I mean it’s insane, so good – so vaping good. What a career you’ve had. I mean, countless iconic performances, you’ve worked with every great director, you’ve won three Golden Globes, an Oscar, and the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30. I mean it’s just insane.
“Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke. It’s cheap. You know what, I tried not to, but like we don’t know anything else about you man. Like there’s nothing else! Like open up! I’m serious – I searched. The most in-depth interview you’ve ever given was in Teen Beat magazine in 1991. Is your favorite is your favorite food still pasta, pasta and more pasta? Look it up, that’s real.
“Leo’s ‘One Battle’ costars are here tonight: Benicio del Toro, Teyana Taylor. So good. And making her film debut with a powerhouse performance, Chase Infiniti! Sean Penn is also here, Colonel Lock Sean himself.
“Hi Sean, you’re the best, one of my favorite characters of all time. I love you, Sean you’re such an original. You know, everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger. Meanwhile, Sean Penn is like, ‘What if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag?’ And I feel like that’s – it’s hot, it’s good.
“Sean, I love you. Not only such an amazing actor, but you’re such a devoted humanitarian. I mean I feel like a lot of actors talk the talk, but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most and he will do cocaine there. And I feel like we don’t celebrate that. And Sean, I did get permission to tell that joke from your two best friends, Charlie Sheen and El Chapo, so… They say hi. Blame it on them.
“And of course ‘Hamnet’ is nominated tonight. ‘Hamnet’ was such a masterful portrayal of loss and grief, and fun fact: ‘Hamnet’ was actually the original name for Spanx. Yeah I’m wearing three Hamnets right now. Thank you.
“We can’t talk about movies this year without talking about ‘Sinners,’ yes. I mean ‘Sinners’ single-handedly saved Warner Brothers – for about a month, but still. Michael B. Jordan is nominated tonight for best actor. In ‘Sinners,’ Michael played two brothers – am I allowed to say that he played… um, it doesn’t sound right. He played twins, he played twins. And I can’t believe it we got two Michael B. Jordans. When I saw that I was like Nikki B. Jerkin’… Because that was awesome. I’m sorry Michael, why did I make that joke? I know your mom – I’m so sorry I should not have said that to you, that should have been a DM. My mistake, my mistake. I love it, you’re amazing.
“‘Wicked’ was back with ‘Wicked: For Money.’ Oh my god, so good. Once again Cynthia Arrivo and Ariana Grande gave us two career-defining performances. I mean, it was so emotional. I mean, two hours into that movie I was just, like, in tears, like, ‘I can’t believe there’s 45 minutes left.’ It was just like too much. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. A little long, but like, I loved it, and Ariana, I would listen to you sing the phonebook. Um, grab the one Kevin Hart’s sitting on tonight. I’m sorry Kevin, I can’t stop, it’s a problem.
“Timothée Chalamet is here for ‘Marty Supreme.’ Oh my god man, what a dedicated performance you gave – it was incredible. This is interesting, not a lot of people know this, but Timothée Chalamet is the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping pong. This is true, he gained over 60 ounces. It’s insane. Chalamet, a protein whey.
“Well, hey guys, before our first award tonight, I just want to tell you that I’m making jokes up here. But it is an absolute privilege to be in this room with you all. Yes, I’m your host, but I’m honestly such a massive fan.
“Your work this year was innovative, it felt fearless, inspiring, and in some cases, downright Zootopian. And so just please keep doing what you’re doing OK? Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies, and James Cameron, keep making weird monster sex movies. Emma Stone and Yorgos Lanthimos, keep making wondrously bizarre movies together. Go harder! I want Emma Stone playing a piece of toast with epilepsy – you would nail it! Yes. Noah Wiley, keep being the only doctor I’ve seen regularly for the past 35 years. Paul Mescal and Jacob Elordi, keep being the same person to my mom. OK? Hans Zimmer, keep composing film scores that sound like [makes dunnnnnn noise]. What a bop? And Claire Danes keep making noises that sound like [makes screaming noise]. Too much botox. And lastly, Steve Martin and Martin Short, keep proving to us that in this industry, you are never ever too old to still need money.
“I love you guys! Thank you so much, we have a great show for you tonight!”
