Since I had my second child, I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to work out what makes the difference between being a happy parent and an unhappy one.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are a few factors – the obvious ones being the health of your child and not being in poverty – but that outside of those most essential human needs, the real key to parental happiness is hands-on grandparents.
Having involved, invested grandparents is, as far as I can see, the single most important factor in being able to relax and enjoy being a parent. It’s a sentiment expressed earlier this week by actress Priyanka Chopra. On the red carpet she and husband, Nick Jonas, were asked how they manage to balance their busy careers with having a family. “Grandparents!” Chopra replied, without a second of hesitation.
Amen to that. Ten weeks ago I gave birth to my second daughter. Since her birth I’ve had my first play open on a UK tour, requiring me to travel across the country and spend several days holed up inside a theatre. My husband has borne the brunt of this, but second in command have been my parents, particularly my mother, who has provided an extraordinary free nanny, PA and chauffeur service for us.
My mum comes to look after my kids and she tidies out my pan cupboard. She organises my fridge. She plays patiently with the children. She plans lovely activities. She is basically Mary Poppins. And where I would feel guilty leaving them with a paid stranger, I can enjoy the freedom and the flexibility knowing that they’re with family.
When I split with my first husband, my mother offered to have my daughter overnight once a month so that I could have some downtime – downtime that eventually became sleepovers with my then-boyfriend/now-husband. Without her help, it’s very possible that my relationship would never have got out of the starting blocks and my second daughter wouldn’t exist.
Similarly my career, which occasionally requires me to disappear on a research trip or hole up in a theatre for a 12-hour day, would be so much harder to manage if it relied exclusively on my partner being able to handle his own work and two children all at the same time. We’d manage it, I’m sure, but with more stress, more outlay on childcare and probably much more friction.
Sadly, my parents are unusual. I am continually shocked that the majority of my friends are fighting the good fight without any grandparental back-up. So often I will hear a mate complaining about missing a child-free wedding, or being desperate for a night away with their partner, and when I suggest sending their child or children to the grandparents, the response is that it’s not possible. Not because the parents are unwilling to leave their child, but because the grandparents just won’t do it.
The generous explanation is that it’s a lack of confidence or perhaps a lack of ability. I accept that if you’re elderly or not able-bodied, taking care of young children is a big deal. But I know of dozens of sets of perfectly fit 50- and 60-something grandparents who don’t take care of their grandkids because they just don’t want to.
They might be busy enjoying their retirement, they might have opted to move to warmer climes, or they might have a full-on social life which doesn’t allow for doing nursery pick-ups. But whatever the reason, I can’t help thinking that it’s quite staggeringly selfish.
Absent grandparents are particularly frustrating if they, during their own years as full-time parents, received ample grandparent support. “My grandmother basically brought me up,” one friend of mine complains. “She picked me up from school most days for the whole of primary school. My mum has literally never picked up my kids.”
There is a real risk of being called entitled if, as a parent, you express the belief that anyone aside from your co-parent owes you any help. But surely anyone who had grandparents’ help themselves can understand why it’s so important?
The argument I’ve heard from most absent grandparents is that their children have unreasonable or unrealistic standards, that they’re picky about food and car seats and routine, and that it can feel thankless. But it remains a real tragedy if a disagreement on the most appropriate way to approach screen time stands in the way of forming a meaningful bond.
When my maternal grandmother was dying, I took a month off work to make sure that I could help my mother nurse her as she died. Being able to do so was one of the great privileges of my life. I wanted to do that because she spent the time and effort to get to know me from the day that I was born. She died surrounded by children and grandchildren who adored her, because she poured out so much help and support within her lifetime. Cynical as it might sound, there is an element of quid pro quo in how we spend the end of our lives.
I fear that some grandparents, currently a long way from being infirm, may eventually come to regret their lack of investment.
