A Married At First Sight bride’s wedding is destroyed by the only two people more dangerous than a sneaky reality TV producer: a messy gay best friend and a gossipy uncle with an earring.
Together, with their unique powers and combined thirst for drama, these two gents could take down governments and set the world on fire.
Their antics may ruin the special day. But is the marriage also annihilated? Of course not. In fact, it’s only strengthened when the bride and groom discover they both possess the most important quality of all: matching his-and-hers veneers. True love, and cosmetic dentistry, conquers all.
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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight’s new match: Gia and Scott.
Scott owns three businesses and built his million-dollar empire in the lucrative jet ski repair industry. When he’s not working 18-hour days and telling everyone about his minute-to-minute schedule, he likes to relax by speeding his Porsche past grumpy old ladies who give him the middle finger.
His last relationship didn’t work out because … well, we’ll let him explain:
“We just weren’t havin’ any sex. I was wakin’ up with wet dreams every day,” he sighs.
We all feel so privileged that you felt comfortable sharing that totally necessary information with us, Scott.
The experts match him with Gia because of their … shared interests?
“I do have a high sex drive. I’m looking for a man who can match me – sexually explorative,” she tells us.
“I cook, I clean, I’m up at 6am lookin’ like a Barbie. People think I’m a bimbo. But beneath the fake lips, fake teeth, fake tits … is the realist girl.”
Gia is nothing if not self-aware.
As Gia gets ready on the morning of the wedding, her two best friends Brooke and Will barge into the Airbnb to steal the spotlight and convince producers to give them a spin-off series.
“F**K OFF!” Gia yells as the pals scream and pop champagne and workshop sassy catchphrases. “We’re on a time crunch and you’re already drunk! You’re giving me anxiety! I don’t want you in the limo! F**k off!”
The makeup artist perseveres through the swearing and attempts to finish applying gloss to Gia’s lips as the feud escalates.
Will refuses to have Gia acting like a diva. After all, HE’S the only diva here.
“No, uh-uh. No. Don’t talk to us like that. I’m not that b**ch, honey”, he snaps. “B**ch. I’m p***ed off. I’m your best friend of 10 years! Don’t treat me like a piece of sh*t! Chill out, diva. You’re not Mariah Carey. Like, sit down.”
Gia’s on edge. One wrong move and her mouthy gay best friend has the ability to completely torpedo her special day. What if he hijacks the hymn projector and starts broadcasting a slide show of her Playboy magazine photoshoot? Still, she holds her breath, forges ahead and hopes everyone behaves.
At the altar, Gia and Scott fall for each other immediately. Is it because of their kind temperaments and shared values? No! Don’t be stupid. They’re hot for each other because they’ve both deemed it necessary to spend $20,000 on fake plastic teeth.
“We’ve both got matching veneers!” Gia squeals.
When did embroidered his-and-hers bath towels stop being a sufficient way to celebrate a new marriage? Now we all need to get his-and-hers cosmetic surgery.
Meanwhile, across town, we meet our second couple being matched tonight: Farmer Luke and Mel.
“I’m a pink girly and I’m looking to find my blue,” Mel gushes to us. “I LOVE feeling pink! Pink energy, pink aura. I want someone who’s always feeling blue. I want someone that always carries the grocery bags or changes the light bulb or puts air in my tyres. That’s my mission: to find the blue to my pink. And hopefully, one day, we’ll make it purple!”
That tortured colour analogy has left us feeling sickly green.
“I’m a brunette Barbie. And I’m looking for my Ken,” she informs us.
At the wedding, Mel arrives first and finds herself alone at the altar in front of all the friends and family. Luke’s running late. He forgot the rings and the limo had to chuck a 25-point turn on a narrow country road just to circle back and collect them.
Of course, the producers don’t tell Mel why her groom is late. They’d much prefer she stand there in the sun, stewing in the humiliation of being stood up at the altar.
“Where’s my husband? Is he here? Where is he? This is such a big day. The experience for me has been ruined,” she fumes.
Barbie’s Dream Wedding blows up in a cloud of hot pink smoke.
By the time Luke arrives, Mel’s aura has turned from pink to black. But that doesn’t stop her from injecting her vows with a little colour.
“I need a man who is the blue to my pink,” she attempts the analogy for a third time today. “I want life to feel like a rom-com movie. I want to be the main character in this movie.”
Before she can finish, she gets distracted by a … noise. A wet, sticky, snip-snapping sound.
She looks around trying to locate the source of the disturbance. It’s coming from her new husband’s mouth.
“As I’m reading my vows, he’s chewing gum with his mouth open!” she wails.
Luke promptly realises his error and hoicks the wad of Hubba Bubba into his nearby sister’s palm.
Mel has a conniption.
“I actually feel sick to my stomach!” she screams.
“I don’t feel chemistry or anything like that,” she tells us. “He doesn’t make me feel that pink feeling I want to feel. Ugh, this is literally not a rom-com! I don’t feel like Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail!”
Mel, on what planet would the Married At First Sight experience ever be equated to a frothy 2000s-style rom-com? None of you have been cast on here to live out the fictional fantasies of Meg Ryan and Sandra Bullock. At best, you’ll be lucky if your time on this show resembles the plot of Paul Blart Mall Cop.
Despite several heartfelt apologies from Luke, Mel’s still simmering about it at the reception.
“You were so late. And then you were chewing gum. I feel like it’s gonna take me a little while to get past that,” she scolds her new husband.
This is not the Barbie world our Barbie girl was dreaming of.
The kaleidoscope of pink and blue has exploded – the colours morphing into a filthy shade of brown.
Meanwhile, all seems to be going well for Gia and Scott at their reception. Only, there’s something on Gia’s mind. A secret. She’s been withholding information from her new husband. Some may even say she has been lying through her veneers.
Gia has a hidden daughter. And the race is on to tell Scott before anyone else does. It’s a classic MAFS storyline that happens at least once every season. Gia shouldn’t feel tormented by this. We wish more people kept their kids a secret in the real world.
The plan is simple: tell Scott about the kid at the END of the night, after he falls in love with her.
“If someone else tells him, I’ll be p***ed. It’s my secret to tell,” she says.
Producers cackle behind the scenes as they organise for someone else to expose Gia’s secret in five, four, three, two …
“Do you have any children?” Will asks Scott.
Gia shoots her friend a dirty look.
“I told EVERYONE not to say anything!” she snaps.
Before Scott can continue the conversation and piece together what’s going on, he’s conveniently interrupted by a friend. Gia breathes a sigh of relief.
But it’s not just sassy gay best friends who are at risk of exposing your secrets. Across the room, a gossipy uncle with an earring is on the loose.
“Gia is a house mum and looks after her daughter,” Uncle John blabs to Scott’s parents, whose brows immediately raise with surprise. “ … Whoops … I wasn’t supposed to say that!”
The gossip starts spreading like wildfire and the whispers quickly get back to Gia. She’s furious. If she didn’t spend so much money on her chunky veneers, she’d use them to chew strips of flesh off Uncle John and eat him alive.
To beat the gossip, she’s left with no other option but to tell Scott before someone else does. In dramatic scenes, she yanks him outside and holds back tears as she tries to find the right words before finally blurting it out.
Of course, she has nothing to worry about. Scott is fine with it. No, a baby booster seat won’t look cool in the back of his Porsche. But that’s a small price to pay for love.
Gia is the woman of his dreams. … Or, more accurately, the woman who’ll hopefully end his wet dreams.
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