What I would say is, unfortunately, a lot of closeted men end their life by suicide. That easily could have been me. I could have been part of that statistic. Instead, I’m here. I will have a lot of sadness and shame about things that I did in my past, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. That is on me 100%.
Even going through this six years later, [The Traitors] was my favorite show I’ve ever done. I didn’t really expect people to draw a line from how I showed up and played Traitors to my past, but that happened. Unfortunately, now I have to relive what happened six years ago with my husband and with my kid, as a father. As somebody who’s changed so much, to see things pop up on social media and to hear certain things—it’s challenging, right? That was such a traumatic time for a lot of people. It’s something I’m gonna always sort of have to own moving forward.
There are some people in the world—and online—that will simply never forgive you. Why do you keep putting yourself on TV?
It’s a great question. “Why do you keep putting yourself through this, dude? Like, go away if you don’t want it.” (Laughs.) I love the entertainment industry. I love representing same sex couples who want to have kids, hosting Daddyhood [Underwood’s podcast]. Having some of my gay friends reach out and be like, “It was so cool to watch you grab Rob’s backpack [on The Traitors]. Like, that representation on television was epic to see from a gay man. Oftentimes we have to shrink ourselves when we enter these masculine spaces, and the fact that you like put your chest out was really cool to see.”
What gets me to show up every single day is the lives that I’ve saved. I say that because I’ve received messages from people across not only our country, but like, because of Netflix, the world, saying, “I didn’t see a path out. I didn’t know what my life was, but watching your story and watching what you went through helped me come out and saved my life.” Those are the ones that I hold onto dearly and that motivate me, that make my skin a little thicker.
But don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I just want to go away. (Laughs.) I wanna live on a farm. I never want to be seen. I texted my team after the reunion—I was like, “I need to go away and get off camera.”
Okay, last question: the banquet outfit. What were you thinking?
I stand by it.
Really? Defend it.
Alan Cumming went on Watch What Happens Live and called it “castle couture.” Like, if I have Alan Cumming’s stamp of approval…. By the time of that banquet, the dog pile was already happening on social media. I was an easy target, low-hanging fruit. We did receive a mood board from production of what that night was gonna be. And if you saw the mood board, you’d be like, “Okay, he showed up. He delivered. He is the mood board.” You’re in Scotland playing Traitors, and it is one of the gayest shows on television. I wanna lean into it.
