I hosted a party for around 25 people this year and was surprised that only one guest had offered to bring something. As a good host, I had plenty of snacks and drinks. But still, I noted this faux pas as another sign that some people may be forgetting some of the basics of being a good guest.
Arriving empty-handed, leaving messes behind, being hours late — behaviors like these reflect obliviousness or busyness at best, or selfishness or entitlement at worst.
“We’re in an interesting time,” said Gina Jokilehto, owner and creative director of Shi Shi Events, a wedding planning and design firm in Cleveland, Ohio.
“I think what started culturally during the pandemic is still spilling over into our lives today, and we just aren’t as socially aware as we used to be,” Jokilehto added. “And when you don’t practice, it’s hard to be good at something, right?”
Etiquette expert Myka Meier hears hosts’ frustration daily.
“We have an anonymous ‘asking for a friend’ series on Instagram that gets literally hundreds of inquiries a week,” Meier, founder of the Beaumont Etiquette school in New York City, said.
Hosting involves extensive mental, financial and physical effort. So guests should be appreciative of that and cognizant of their own role in that give-and-take relationship, Jokilehto said. Proper etiquette boils down to considering how something you say or do may make others feel and acting accordingly, Meier said.
On the cusp of this holiday season’s parties, I picked these experts’ brains about the ins and outs of party etiquette, and when exceptions are appropriate.
The first step of being a good guest begins long before the gathering: RSVP by your host’s deadline. An abbreviation of “répondez s’il vous plaît,” a French phrase meaning “please respond,” the RSVP tells a host how much food, drinks and other supplies they’ll need to buy and make. If you RSVP “yes” post-deadline, please don’t be offended if you’re denied or not accounted for as much as the other guests. You snooze, you lose!
At potluck-style parties I have attended, I have noticed many people default to just swinging by the store to grab beverages or desserts instead of volunteering to bring a side dish. I’m not knocking those contributions, but when too many guests do that, a sort of bystander effect results in a super-imbalanced meal.
Bringing a side dish doesn’t mean you have to cook; it just requires a little more thought about what foods may suit the event. You can buy microwaveable mashed potatoes from the same store you would have bought brownie bites. And think about what your specific gathering needs. I once brought a charcuterie tray to a friend’s Halloween party where almost everyone was tipsy, and it was devoured within 20 minutes. The only other snacks there had been chips and sweets.
Meier and Jokilehto, however, contend that really, in the party planning stage, hosts should set guests up for success. On sign-up sheets, hosts should list as options only the things they really need people to bring, such as a side dish, beverages and a dessert. Hosts should handle the main dishes and supplies, such as meats, plates, utensils and more.
Don’t show up empty-handed
Even if the party isn’t a potluck, you should always, always ask the host if there is anything you should bring, experts agreed. You can even do that just before heading to the event, in case they have any last-minute needs. If they say “no,” don’t push it. If they say you can bring a specific food, bring it in a dish and with utensils necessary to serve it, Jokilehto said.
Separately, for special occasions such as dinner parties or holiday celebrations, bring a little gift for the host to show gratitude — such as a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, a card, a candle or something else you know they’ll enjoy, Meier and Jokilehto said. But don’t expect them to serve it at the party.
Whatever you give shouldn’t be a chore, they added. For example, flowers are lovely but can be distracting if you don’t bring them in a vase and force your host to solve that problem.
Obviously, you should arrive on time since it’s respectful and helps prevent the event from getting off schedule.
Being five to 15 minutes late is acceptable and probably considered by most hosts to be perfectly on time, Meier and Jokilehto said. I concur — I’m actually often terrified of guests showing up early and think it’s worse than tardiness, as I’m usually frantically trying to finish setting out food, cleaning or decorating in the last moments before an event’s scheduled start.
Do your best to plan ahead and not be more than 15 minutes late unless the party hosts have said that stopping by anytime is fine. If you’re going to be late, let the host know.
Honoring your host’s wishes for how they run their household is also important.
A no-shoes rule is one of the first you should honor. Ask about it or notice any shoes near the door, Jokilehto said. I bring socks just in case. If you’re the one hosting, providing socks may be appreciated.
If the host says smoking is barred or only allowed in certain areas, respect that, Jokilehto said. That may also apply to those of you who vape — you’re not as sneaky as you think.
Don’t bring a plus one without permission — it’s disrespectful and may even make your host uncomfortable. For casual or larger gatherings such as game nights or Halloween parties, asking for a plus one when you RSVP may be acceptable, Meier said. But the request can also put hosts in an awkward position if they can only seat or afford to provide for a certain number of people. At the same time, you know your friends best, so act carefully and be understanding if “no” is the answer.
Alcoholic drinks can certainly boost the holiday cheer for many. But what’s not so fun is when you get so ahead of yourself that you end up vomiting over the balcony, breaking things or acting inappropriately. (Hosts, you also play a role in this if you’re serving much more alcohol than food.)
There is nothing worse than a guest who’s messy in any sense, Jokilehto said — with their emotions, their food, their drinking or anything else.
So, guests, know thyself. Jokilehto recommends considering how many drinks you can tolerate, with and without food, before you cross that line. Drinking any amount on an empty stomach is asking for trouble. You can also eat in advance to prepare. Alternating cocktails with glasses of water may also help. And if you don’t know what your tolerance is, once you finish a drink, wait 40 to 60 minutes to see how you feel before having another.
Thinking ahead is also important when the night’s coming to an end — if you have one more glass of wine, will you be sober in an hour when it’s time to drive home? Or will you be holding your host hostage and secretly hoping they say you can crash there? Load that rideshare app on your phone just in case.
What do you go to a party to do? See other people! So don’t be constantly absorbed in your phone, for one, which can make others feel unimportant. Also, not everything has to be turned into social media content — you will not die if your Instagram followers don’t see that you’re having a good time. Taking a couple of pictures every so often is fine, assuming that’s OK with others, but otherwise put your phone away, Jokilehto said.
Secondly, be considerate of your portion sizes — if someone serves wings but provides only 1 cup of ranch dressing, unfortunately you should limit yourself to a spoonful, as much as it hurts. Don’t get seconds until everyone else has been served, Jokilehto said. If you want the last of something, ask the people to your left and right if they want it before you dive in.
Are children allowed? If it isn’t clear, ask if the party is adults only. If you bring them, please remember that other adults’ presence doesn’t automatically give you the night off. You are responsible for them the entire time, Jokilehto said. Depending on their age, bringing a toy that’s not messy, loud or antisocial — like a tablet — may be helpful.
Additionally, parties with mixed company aren’t the time to discuss potentially controversial topics. Stick to neutral, lighthearted subjects, Jokilehto said. And be a good conversationalist by being curious about others’ lives. Need a place to start? Ask how another guest knows the host.
Lastly, you shouldn’t overstay. If the invitation didn’t list an end time — which is a good idea for hosts — knowing when to leave can be difficult sometimes. But leaving a half hour or so after dessert or tea is served is a good rule of thumb, Meier said. If the host is yawning a lot, blowing out candles, putting food away or thanking you for coming, those are other cues to head out.
Personally, I also think we all need to avoid expecting people to pick up on passive, nonverbal clues like yawning and then getting upset when they don’t. Sometimes people need clear communication. If I need to head to bed, I tell my guests that, and they don’t take it personally.
When you’re leaving a party — after you have hopefully cleaned up after yourself and offered to help do more — always thank the host for having you and compliment them on anything you enjoyed.
Meier always sends hosts a thank-you text or handwritten note the day after, she said, even if someone only had her over for a salad. “It takes seconds,” she added, “and makes that person feel that you were grateful for their effort. There’s no disadvantage.”
All these tips may sound like a lot of work. But your host also put significant effort into hosting and facilitating community, which is especially challenging in the post-pandemic era. Learning how to treat others and reciprocating the respect and kindness your host was so gracious to extend is worthwhile — and it can also ensure you’re invited back.
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