Dear Eric: I have a truly wonderful husband with five older sisters, who all live out of state.
I have had “run-ins” in the past with one of my sisters-in-law. I’ll call her Tanya.
Earlier this year, my wonderful mamma passed away from Alzheimer’s, and I was, and still am struggling, but I lean on my husband and my siblings for support.
On the morning my mamma passed away, I sent a text message to all my sisters-in-law, informing them of her passing. A couple of my sisters-in-law responded immediately to my text message, and I acknowledged them.
However, Tanya decided to send me a separate email. I am not the best at reading email, and I had zero intention of reading any emails on that day.
When I couldn’t sleep later that night, I saw the first email Tanya sent. I responded to her right away. But then I saw a second email Tanya sent many hours later; it was very nasty and Tanya made it sound like I acknowledged her sisters and not her. I was flabbergasted as well as angry because Tanya made the absolute worst day in my life about her.
We will be with the sisters-in-law and their extended family for a large upcoming gathering. I am not sure how to handle this. I want to avoid her at all costs, but we all usually sit at the same table. Just thinking about it totally sickens me. I don’t want to even go.
My husband is aware of all of this and the past run-ins as well, and he also avoids Tanya.
How do you think I should proceed?
— Tense Family Affair
Dear Family: As you likely already know, Tanya is completely in the wrong here. While I might normally suggest having a frank conversation about your grievance with her beforehand, it sounds like she’s not in an ideal space to be reasonable and so it might be a waste of your time.
But it would be a shame for her to chase you away from having a nice time with family. Depending on the size of the table, you might purposefully choose the seats farthest from her so as not to be pulled into conversation, or you could simply decide that there are at least four other people with whom you can interact instead. If Tanya tries to engage with you, calmly tell her, “there are some things that we need to talk about before we can move forward. Let’s enjoy ourselves tonight and I’ll reach out about a time to talk later.” You’re under no obligation to clear the air with Tanya, especially if she’s not taking the initiative. But you’re also under no obligation to cater to her either.
Dear Eric: As a 73-year-old with plenty of aches and pains, I have a suggestion for “The Cup is Half Full,” whose friend group was overtaken by medical complaints. My group of friends and family refer to this kind of talk with humor as the “Organ Recital.” We limit our Organ Recitals to 15 minutes per visit for the group and then move on to other topics.
— Achy Lady
Dear Lady: The Organ Recital was a very popular suggestion. Love it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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