I don’t like football. Having been born and raised north of Boston, though, I know I’m legally supposed to root for the New England Patriots whenever I choose to watch an NFL game. And I once did, as a young child (high schooler), who didn’t know better (who enjoyed celebrating multiple Super Bowl wins and not understanding that most cities do not enjoy a world where all their sports teams consistently win).
As an adult, I do my best to never watch football, mostly because there’s not a single team I care about—sorry to the Patriots. While I’ve basically lived in New York since I was 18, the few lingering traces of Boston pride in me mean I will never root for the Giants or the Bills. I did briefly enjoy following the Chiefs when Taylor Swift started dating one of their tight ends—but even before they choked at the Super Bowl in 2025, I felt that brief fandom fading. Every once in a while, I’ll cheer for the Seattle Seahawks because I really love the lime green.
This is my long way of saying, I have no NFL allegiance. So when I saw a TikTok suggesting that if the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl, we’ll be transported back to a world before 2016—I immediately began browsing Bears jerseys.
“Because the thing is, if the Bears win the Super Bowl, it’ll somehow reset the fucking portal that we entered when Chicago did whatever black magic it did for the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016,” TikTok user @saintlaurentcowgirl0 said. “So Pope Leo becoming the Pope was the precipice of this, and what’ll loop us right back and close the portal and jump us in the correct timeline, is the Bears winning the Super Bowl.” OK!
@saintlaurentcowgirl0 #chicago ♬ original sound – yslcowgirl
I love Chicago. All three times I’ve visited, I’ve been absolutely delighted. The hot dogs? Delicious? The architecture tour? Stunning? The men? Tall
To be sure, I Slack’d editor-in-chief of the A.V. Club and Chicago native Danette Chavez. She responded that she likes the Bears “well enough,” but she’s a White Sox fan. I’m still unclear why the Cubs breaking their 108-year drought in 2016 launched us into this hell world, but I’ll also be considering myself a White Sox fan for the foreseeable future—anything to encourage the universe to launch us into literally any other timeline.
When I sent her the TikTok, asking if it felt correct, she said, “I’m prepared to believe whatever it takes to get out of this mess.” Good enough for me!
The Bears play the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday at 6:30 p.m. If they win that, Google informs me they’ll go to the NFC Championship game, and if they win that, they go to the Super Bowl. Should the Bears keep winning, I’m prepared to watch all three football games. Good, Better, Best! Fucking get this timeline to reset!
