I don’t expect an organization run by an anti-vaccine, seemingly pro-measles conspiracy theorist like Kennedy to make good decisions.
RFK Jr. admits to ‘snorting cocaine off of toilet seats’ on podcast
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told “This Past Weekend” podcast host Theo Von he used to “snort cocaine off of toilet seats.”
Every new year, I have the same fitness aspiration: I’m going to find a washed-up late-90s rock star, and together we will work out shirtless, then drink whole milk in a hot tub.
Well, I failed again this year, but I’m pleased to see that Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. succeeded.
In an actual real video shared Feb. 17 by the actual U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Kennedy is joined by 55-year-old Kid Rock and together – unnecessarily shirtless – the two men are shown working out in what looks like an all-wood lodge. Kennedy is wearing blue jeans throughout the video, because of course he is, even when he’s plunging into a cold bath.
Raise your hand if you wanted to see RFK Jr. and Kid Rock working out
The background music is Rock’s hit-that-few-remember-and-fewer-understand “Bawitdaba,” and the whole thing is likely to cause widespread infertility and drop the U.S. birth rate precipitously.
Is Kennedy actually stuck in those jeans? Does he not experience chafing like normal humans? Have the jeans, through multiple cold baths, formed a sort of exoskeleton around the lower half of his body?
Does Kid Rock really have no one better to hang out with? Why does he stick his middle finger at the camera at one point? Does he realize sometimes it’s better to keep your shirt on?
Nothing better after a shirtless workout in jeans than a big glass of milk
I don’t have answers to any of those questions. I just know I’d like to see a follow-up video in which that weird lodge/gym gets a proper disinfecting.
The video wraps up with Rock and Kennedy sitting in what looks like a hot tub, each holding a big glass of milk while the dripping words “WHOLE MILK” appear on the screen. It looks like a PSA warning about the risks of drinking whole milk after a workout, or an extremely niche fetish video. (I have nothing but respect for those turned on by lightly boiled old men drinking high-fat milk. No shame here.)
First Mike Tyson, now shirtless Kid Rock. What fresh hell comes next?
Anyway, for some reason, the man in charge of America’s health – the same man who recently said he’s not afraid of germs because he once did cocaine off a toilet seat – thinks the best way to get Americans in shape is to show himself doing something weird with another weird person.
I don’t expect an organization run by an anti-vaccine, seemingly pro-measles conspiracy theorist like Kennedy to make good decisions. But to say the health secretary and the entire Department of Health and Human Services have lost the culture, particularly in the wake of the “Bare-Chested Kennedy & Rock Pump Iron!” video, is an understatement of biblical proportions.
This comes on the heels of Kennedy’s Make America Healthy Again Super Bowl commercial, which featured convicted rapist Mike Tyson telling us not to eat processed foods.
It’s all just deeply, profoundly weird. It’s like self-satirization at the highest level.
Most can only dream of working out with shirtless aging rock stars
Don’t get me wrong, part of me is envious that Kennedy got to live my dream. I’d always imagined some shirtless bench-pressing with Nickelback followed by a nice whole-milk guzzle in a hot tub. But we’d be wearing workout shorts like normal people. And I wouldn’t be posting the video everywhere for all to see. That sh-t’s personal.
On the plus side, I do think Kennedy’s video will inspire Americans like me to get in shape. I want to be fit, so if I see a shirtless, jeans-clad Kennedy coming at me, I can run away as quickly and powerfully as possible.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
