Psychology says people over 70 who’ve stopped trying to change other people’s minds haven’t given up — they’ve reached a stage of cognitive development most people never arrive at

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I used to think that elderly people who stopped arguing about politics, religion, or the “right” way to raise children had simply run out of energy. That they’d thrown in the towel, resigned themselves to a world they no longer understood.

But after spending time with people in their seventies and eighties, including my own journey into this territory, I’ve discovered something profound: they haven’t given up at all. They’ve graduated to a level of wisdom that most of us spend our whole lives trying to reach.

The psychological research backs this up. Developmental psychologists have identified what they call “gerotranscendence,” a stage of cognitive and emotional development that typically emerges in later life.

It’s characterized by decreased interest in superficial social interaction, less concern with material possessions, and remarkably, a sharp decline in the need to convince others of anything.

The exhausting years of trying to change minds

Do you remember the last time you changed someone’s deeply held belief through argument? I’ll wait while you think about it. For most of us, that list is painfully short, yet we persist like determined salespeople working on commission.

I spent decades of my life believing that if I just presented the right facts, used the right tone, or found the perfect analogy, I could help people see things my way.

During my 32 years teaching high school English, I watched colleagues burn themselves out trying to convince parents that their teaching methods were sound, that homework policies made sense, that their children needed to read actual books instead of SparkNotes. The energy we expended could have powered a small city.

The most painful example came when my son announced his engagement. I had reservations about his choice, and I danced around the subject for months, dropping hints, asking leading questions, trying to guide him toward what I thought was obvious.

The stress of holding back while simultaneously trying to influence him gave me actual stomach problems. Five years later, watching them support each other through job losses and family crises, I realized my concerns had been completely unfounded.

My son had seen something I couldn’t, and no amount of gentle manipulation from me would have changed his mind anyway.

What happens in the brain after 70

Neuroscience reveals fascinating changes in the aging brain that contribute to this shift. The anterior cingulate cortex, which processes social pain and conflict, becomes less reactive to disagreement.

Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for emotional regulation, often shows improved function in healthy older adults. It’s as if the brain itself decides that the stress of trying to convert others isn’t worth the cortisol.

But there’s more to it than just brain chemistry. Cognitive development doesn’t stop at formal operational thinking, as Piaget once suggested. Modern developmental psychology recognizes additional stages that can emerge in later life, including what some researchers call “dialectical thinking” and “wisdom-related knowledge.”

These stages involve accepting paradox, embracing uncertainty, and understanding that multiple truths can coexist.

Think about it: after seven decades of watching political parties swap positions, seeing parenting advice do complete reversals, and witnessing “settled science” unsettled repeatedly, wouldn’t you develop a certain skepticism about absolute truths?

The freedom that comes from letting go

When you stop trying to change other people’s minds, something miraculous happens: you start actually listening to them. Not listening for openings to insert your opinion, not listening while mentally preparing rebuttals, but genuinely hearing what they’re saying and, more importantly, why they’re saying it.

My relationship with my sister transformed after our five-year estrangement taught me this lesson the hard way. We’d fallen out over something that seemed monumentally important at the time, something about family responsibilities and fairness.

We each spent years building our cases, gathering evidence, recruiting family members to our respective sides. When we finally reconnected, exhausted from the battle, neither of us had changed our position one inch. But we’d both changed something else: our need to be right.

Now when she shares her political views, which differ sharply from mine, I find myself curious about her experiences that led her there rather than frustrated by her “wrong” conclusions. When she tells me about her alternative medicine treatments, I don’t send her medical journal articles anymore. I ask her how they make her feel.

The conversation flows differently when you’re not trying to steer it toward a predetermined destination.

Wisdom versus resignation

There’s a crucial distinction here that younger people often miss. This isn’t about becoming passive or indifferent. People over 70 who’ve reached this stage still have strong beliefs, values, and opinions.

They vote, they volunteer, they participate in their communities. The difference is they’ve stopped believing that arguing is the same as action, that convincing is the same as contributing.

They model their values instead of preaching them. They share their experiences when asked rather than forcing them on others. They’ve learned what I wrote about in a previous post on boundaries: that other people’s choices are not your responsibility to fix.

This shift requires tremendous strength, not weakness. It takes more courage to sit with someone whose choices you disagree with than to try to change them. It takes more wisdom to recognize the limits of your influence than to keep banging your head against the wall of other people’s convictions.

Final thoughts

If you’re under 70 and reading this, you might be wondering if you can arrive at this stage earlier. In my experience, some people touch it in their fifties or sixties, usually after significant life experiences that humble them. Therapy helped me start this journey in my fifties when I finally addressed my lifelong people-pleasing tendencies.

The path involves recognizing that your need to change others often says more about your own anxieties than their actual problems. It means accepting that people have to walk their own paths, make their own mistakes, and reach their own conclusions.

Most challenging of all, it means trusting that the universe will keep spinning even if everyone doesn’t agree with you.

The people over 70 who’ve stopped trying to change minds haven’t given up on the world. They’ve given up on the illusion of control. And in doing so, they’ve found something most of us are still searching for: peace.

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