DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and sister-in-law invited my family of four for a dinner of corned beef and cabbage to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. They also invited my mom and dad, along with my aunt, who was visiting them from out of town.
My aunt does not like corned beef and cabbage, so my mom said that they would bring pizza for her. I had talked to Mom about the pizza, so when my brother called and invited us, I said I was excited to get together, and that my kids and I would have pizza, too. (My husband likes corned beef and cabbage.)
A few hours later, my sister-in-law canceled the dinner. I understand why; she was upset that some of us didn’t want the corned beef. She is Irish and it was a tradition she wanted to share with everyone.
In retrospect, I believe we were rude to say we were bringing pizza. We just wanted to enjoy the get-together while bringing something the corned beef-haters would eat without making more work for my sister-in-law.
Should we have just declined the invitation, or was there a better way to handle this?
GENTLE READER: How long has Miss Manners been saying that entertaining is not about the food, but the people? In other words, exactly the argument you tried to make.
Only this one was about the food. As everybody knew.
There seems to be no question here of allergies, vegetarianism or other restrictions, just that several people “hate” the traditional dish of which your sister-in-law is so proud. Really, hate? Or just don’t particularly like it, and prefer pizza?
So yes, it was rude to demonstrate your distaste at the cost of the hostess’ feelings — and a poor example for your children. That polite hosts now ask if their guests have food restrictions does not mean that guests can dictate their mere preferences.
These relatives presumably don’t hate the sister-in-law, whose heart was set on a beloved ritual. So here is a kinder suggestion than either declining or declaring her offering inedible: Haters could stuff themselves with pizza in the late afternoon, so they wouldn’t be hungry if they ate only a politely minimal portion of corned beef and cabbage. Those who do appreciate the meal can help them with loud praise that calls attention away from their suffering.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m not entirely sure if this falls under the domain of etiquette, but I decided it was best to check. When determining the anniversary of a dating couple, is it more appropriate to count from the first date or from when they decided to be an official couple? Or is it a matter of personal preference?
GENTLE READER: Nor is Miss Manners sure why this should fall under the domain of etiquette. Surely couples can celebrate any or all milestones in their courtship that they care to.
It is only if it would affect other people that it might be a concern. Therefore, if a couple is marking the anniversary of their first kiss, for example, others might prefer to be spared hearing about it.
