Dear Eric: Three years ago, I had a falling-out with my cousin, Harris, at a family gathering.
Harris, like me, is a retiree in his mid-60s. We had been friendly before this. Harris also has three siblings, and I am on great terms with all of them.
He confronted me about something I wrote in the family gathering’s logbook that he found negative. I attempted to apologize, but he rejected it and refused to talk. He left the next day, and I have not seen him since, nor had any contact as of three years later.
I wrote an email a month after the incident, saying I wanted to talk; no reply. I wrote a letter four months later and another letter a year later, in which I implored him to call or email. Nada. I phoned, left a voicemail at one point, also not acknowledged.
Finally, five months ago, I wrote one more letter, asking to talk. None of this correspondence has been acknowledged.
Meanwhile he communicates with my brothers, and via group text that I am part of. I remain in touch with his two sisters and his brother, but have never mentioned any of this to them. I do not know if they are aware of the falling-out; if they are, I suspect they consider it a matter between Harris and me. I don’t dispute that.
Harris has informed my brothers and me of his daughter’s forthcoming wedding, with a reception and an out-of-town guest dinner. We will all be invited, formal invites to come.
I could travel to the wedding and likely would do so if not for the falling-out and the ghosting. It just does not feel right to me to attend when I have zero relationship with the father of the bride.
Two of my brothers plan to attend, the third is unlikely to for separate reasons.
Do I go to the wedding and see what happens? Or just send a card to the bride and groom?
– Out in Oregon
Dear Oregon: If you get a formal invitation from the bride and groom, consider yourself invited and go if you think you’ll have the opportunity to support and celebrate other family members.
Harris has made it clear that he’s uninterested in mending fences, so respect that. You and he may never go back to being friendly, but if he’s not personally excluding you from the wedding plans, there’s no reason to let your conflict bleed into other relationships in your family.
Dear Eric: I feel uncomfortable when people speak negatively about their bodies while in conversation with just me.
I don’t know what to say in the moment and often replay the conversation later. I’m not comfortable offering reassurance or advice, and I’d rather avoid these discussions altogether.
I try to respond briefly and change the subject, but it still feels awkward, especially when people compare themselves to me.
How can I respond kindly?
– At a Loss for Words
Dear Words: Something as simple as “I’m sorry you feel that way” can convey compassion without piling on or getting drawn into a discussion you want to avoid.
However, in reading your question I kept coming back to the last thing you wrote – that people are often comparing themselves to you when speaking negatively about themselves. Is it possible that some of your discomfort also stems from a very reasonable desire to not have your body spoken about?
When people make these comparisons, they may think that what they’re saying is benign or even complimentary. But if it’s not landing that way for you, then it’s not welcome.
Maybe you don’t want to be the image that another person uses to denigrate themselves. Maybe you don’t want commentary on your body at all. These are more than reasonable wants. No one’s body is fair conversational game.
And it would do everyone a lot of good to remember to ask before making a comment, even if that comment is intended as a compliment.
This can be hard for some folks to reckon with. “Why can’t I tell someone their hair looks nice?” You can, if they’re open to it. But there are many reasons that a person wouldn’t want to talk about their hair or their hips or their spleen or what have you. The reasons might be medical, emotional or just a matter of preference.
We don’t have to walk on eggshells around each other. We just have to be conscientious and respectful.
So, to that end, if comments about your body are making you uncomfortable, say so. “I know you mean well, but I don’t want to talk about my body. I appreciate that you have an opinion, but we’ve all got things we like and things we’d like to change. Let’s leave it at that.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
