The National Trust has blasted ‘feckless oiks’ for failing to visit its properties.
Visitor numbers are well down at National Trust properties and the organisation faces a perfect storm of rising wages, rising energy costs, visitors reducing their travel because of petrol costs, and a growing disinterest in dingy oil paintings, looted artefacts and overpriced scones.
‘They bloody well should come,’ shouted Major Reginald ‘The Bastard’ Phipps-Nuttington. ‘The landed gentry built this country and the least the feckless oiks can do is come and pay homage, to see what they could have if they worked bloody hard or married into the the right family. No-one respects people of quality any more. Bloody disgrace. Turning up with their Thermos flasks and their tupperware. Cheapskates!’
An oily PR executive attempted to smooth things over. ‘The Trust holds valuable historic assets for the benefit of everyone, and provides solid, well paid jobs for the idiot children of the aristocracy. These days we are extremely PC, right on, and woke – pro-diversity, anti-slavery and so on. Just don’t mention hunting.
‘So it is everyone’s responsibility to visit, to pay the entrance fees and the car park fees, to buy expensive jam, wine and fudge, and to keep the flag flying. I for one don’t want to retrain in Search Engine Optimisation.’
A feckless oik said, ‘I’ve had enough of being ripped off by the National Trust They only want my money to pay for roof repairs and oily PR executives. Their scones are no better than Lidl’s. I’m not having it. I’m spending my money on Go Ape or an Escape Room and a bottomless brunch. That’s way better value than watching ageing volunteers planting out weeds in a walled garden.
