In what is now a post-Golden Globes tradition, host Nikki Glaser went on “The Howard Stern Show” to reveal the jokes she left on the cutting room floor.
Among the bits that didn’t make it into the kudocast were punchlines about ICE and Donald Trump. Glaser told Stern she largely avoided politics because “it’s not funny.”
“I was going to come in at some point and say, ‘I’m hearing from the bar that we’re out of ice. And you know, we don’t really need ice. And actually, I hate ice,’” Glaser said, in a double entendre about the federal immigration enforcement agency. “It just felt like, oh, even that’s just being too trivial. … It’s hard to strike the right tone.”
The Globes aired just a few days after ICE agent Jonathan Ross shot and killed 37-year-old Renee Good in Minneapolis, which sparked nationwide protests and claims from the Trump administration that he acted in self-defense. A handful of celebrities, including Mark Ruffalo, Natasha Lyonne and Wanda Sykes, wore pins on the Golden Globes carpet that read “Ice Out” and “Be Good” to honor Good’s memory.
A joke about the Globes venue being renamed the “Trump Beverly Hilton” — in the wake of the Trump Kennedy Center controversy — was also scrapped. “You just don’t say that guy’s name right now,” Glaser said about the president. “I just want to give it space.”
She told Stern that Steve Martin sent her the joke ahead of the awards show, but he later backpedaled, advising her not to use the bit and to steer clear of politics.
Glaser did have a couple of topical jokes in her monologue that Stern praised her for, including one about the very network on which she was hosting. (“The award for most editing goes to CBS News. Yes. CBS news: America’s newest place to see B.S. news,” she said, referencing the recent news that editor-in-chief Bari Weiss killed a “60 Minutes” segment about the U.S. sending deportees to a prison in El Salvador.)
Here is a selection of Glaser’s other jokes that were cut from the monologue:
Chase Infiniti is nominated for best actress tonight, and Chase Infiniti is her real name. And this is true: If you apply now, you can earn 5% cash back on all travel bookings through her through the end of the year. So get on that.”
“Chase Infiniti Payne is actually her real name. Chase Infiniti Payne, which is also how Sean Penn gets an erection.”
“Some people have stage names like ‘Hacks’ star Jean Smart, whose real name is Corderoy Dumbass.”
“Brad Pitt is nominated for his role in ‘F1’ tonight. See, that’s what I love about Hollywood. When a man turns 60, he gets to play a racecar driver. Meanwhile, after 35, every role for a woman is a tired mom who hates her life. And Brad, you were so good I was almost convinced that you’ve driven yourself somewhere in the last 30 years. But Brad did a lot of his own driving in the movie. And Brad, I don’t want to embarrass you, but your blinker was on the whole time there.”
“Tonight is a night of celebration, but we can’t ignore that it’s a weird time in Hollywood. You know, people just aren’t going to the theaters to see things. If you don’t believe me, there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours and it made $14.”
“Everyone’s concerned about AI. Tilly Norwood is the first star to be completely generated by AI and somehow has still been sexually assaulted by three different studio execs.”
“Sean Penn is nominated tonight, I’m assuming for best neck veins?”
“Sean Penn, Benicio del Toro and Leonardo DiCaprio are all here tonight for the category Least Eyes. Leo, why are you always squinting? I mean, I assume it’s to read your girlfriend’s ID. Just making sure that the year starts with a two.”
“Amy Poehler is here for her podcast ‘Good Hang,’ which is what Timothée Chalamet says after sex.”
“Julia Roberts is nominated for ‘After The Hunt.’ I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it?”
“Jonathan Bailey is here. Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, and at first I was like, ‘Do we really need to say openly?’ and then I looked at a list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, we do.’”
“Jeff Goldblum is here tonight, not because he is nominated just because they were shooting an ad for Apartments.com down the street and he just kind of wandered in. Jeff doing ads for Apartments.com is hilarious. You haven’t lived in apartments since you were a fly.”
“‘Pluribus’ is nominated. Did you guys know that ‘Pluribus’ is Latin for ‘I haven’t seen it’?”
