If you listen closely, past the gnashing of teeth and the collective groan echoing from Marin to Morgan Hill, you can hear the football gods laughing. It’s a deep, bass-heavy belly laugh; the kind of laugh a Bond villain lets out right before the laser starts inching toward the tied-down protagonist.
Because this Super Bowl LX matchup at Levi’s Stadium between the Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots? It’s not just a bad outcome. No, this feels karmically vindictive — the football gods targeting the Niners, from the owner down to the youngest fan, and deciding that simple playoff heartbreak was too pedestrian.
I saw fans spending the last week bargaining with fate, declaring that enough was enough.
That didn’t work. Not even a little bit.
The result of Seattle’s dominance this postseason has created a clear-and-present danger that is now parked in the 49ers’ front yard. We are staring down the barrel of the Seahawks — decked out in their ghastly neon green — hoisting the Lombardi Trophy on the 49ers’ literal home turf.
It’s like watching your high-school bully get married at your house, and you’re forced to cater the reception.
And then there’s the AFC side of this equation. It’s bad enough that the Seahawks have a chance to dunk on the Niners, but the Patriots can Dunkin’ on them.
They present an existential crisis to the Niners and their five Super Bowl rings.
New England was objectively the worst option emerging from a weak AFC. Why? Because we are witnessing the terrifying sequel nobody asked for — that no one deserved: A seventh Super Bowl win for the Patriots would not only cement them as the NFL’s preeminent franchise, but it would validate the post-Brady era in a way that feels uncomfortably familiar.
It’s the Empire rebuilding the Death Star, but this time they fixed the exhaust port.
It’s a “Montana-to-Young” transition, if you squint hard enough.
And seven titles would give the Pats a two-trophy lead on the Niners. No more “We’ll catch ’em next year.” The Niners’ Lombardi Trophy case was the NFL’s fullest when they last added to their collection. But that was 31 years ago, when the Patriots were merely 0-for-1 in Super Bowls.
I’ve seen the discourse online. I’ve seen the “I’m not owned!” tweets from the blindly Faithful, trying to talk themselves into rooting for New England because “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.”
I have always hated that logic. What did that make the Rams last week?
And what did that make the Seahawks?
Rooting for the Patriots to stop the Seahawks is like rooting for Godzilla to stop King Kong — either way, Tokyo gets leveled.
Let’s be honest about what this is: an ego hit. A massive, deep-bruise-forming strike to the 49ers organization and its sense of superiority — one that trickles down. Way down.
Sure, they built Levi’s Stadium to host Super Bowls. But really, it was made to host playoff games, especially NFC Championship Games.
And after sitting dormant for a month, Levi’s has to host this Super Bowl.
They have to roll out the red carpet, spiff up the locker rooms (rumor is Seattle is going to use the Niners’), and ensure the buffet is stocked for two franchises that torment them.
Sure, one does more than the other, but it’s still the ultimate indignity.
Looking back, maybe the signs were there all along. Remember when the Niners were the only team bidding on Super Bowl LX?
It looks less like a win and more like the final chapter of a Greek tragedy. Maybe the other owners knew something we didn’t (that supposed “script” your conspiracy theorist uncle keeps talking about) and wanted to get in another shot at the Niners after decimating the team’s roster with injuries from the preseason onwards.
Diabolical stuff. The Santa Clara Substation? It was merely a false flag for the truly destructive forces in play.
So here we are: the worst-case scenario.
A Super Bowl that feels less like a celebration of the sport and more like a court-mandated community service sentence for the Bay Area.
Is it wrong to hope it rains?
