Online dating at midlife: ‘He wanted me to drive from north Dublin to Wicklow for sex at 2am’
People are settling down later in life, as shown in the creeping rise in marriage ages in Ireland over the past half century – from mid-20s in 1974 to over 35 in 2024.
But the age of newlyweds is not the only thing that has changed. How people meet or try to meet potential partners has moved a long way, from the dancefloor slow sets of yesteryear to the increasingly popular route of online dating. For middle-aged daters, the difference is stark. Not being digital natives, navigating this new world is quite the challenge.
Sharon*, who is in her 50s, says it was “very hard” getting back into the dating world following her marriage break-up. She first tried online dating because she was a single parent. “I thought it would be easier than just going out, because going out involves the expense of babysitters, taxis.”
She found the first few people she dated from online sites “didn’t understand that my kids were always going to come first”.
She began using dating apps in her 40s, and her first experience was a culture shock. “He was a young guy in his 20s… He sent me dick pics, which wasn’t what I was looking for.”
The second man she contacted got straight to business. “He texted me late at night, which suited me because I had the kids and was free then. Within the first few words, he wanted me to drive from north Dublin to Wicklow for sex. It was never going to happen at the best of times, but certainly not at 2am.”
Then the experience became surreal. “The third time was my brother,” she says – the dating site had actually sent her his profile as a potential match. “My first reaction was ‘oh my God’”, but in the end the nightmare scenario made her laugh.
Sharon’s says trying to date via apps has “put her off”, and she has since given up trying to meet anyone online. “Not a hope in hell,” she says.
She thinks it’s far harder for women to meet a potential partner compared to a man. “We don’t like to go into pubs on our own. A man can walk in no problem at all and take it from there.“
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She notes that at this stage in life, men will “come with their own baggage”, and so does she, and she “doesn’t particularly want to be trying to fix” someone in their 50s.
“If it was to happen, and it was somebody special, it would be great. But I can definitely say I don’t think I’d ever marry anybody again. I don’t think I’d ever live with anybody again. I don’t want to be washing socks and jocks for a man now at this stage.”
Darren (47)* has been single for the past six years, and was nervous about “getting back out there… given how different the dating landscape is since the last time” he was single, 20 years ago.
He began actively trying to meet someone 18 months ago after hopes of a match “organically, through work, nights out or friends” never happened. Being the only single person in his friends group made him feel “awkward” on social occasions. Having no “wing person” meant he didn’t feel comfortable trying speed dating or singles nights.
The online dating experience as a man in his 40s is “incredibly odd”, he says. “It’s basically a human Argos catalogue, and so the scrutiny of your value can be pretty crushing,” he says. He would get “very few matches”, “maybe one or two a week” and he found this very “demoralising”.
He felt the exclusion filters that people can apply to others on the site were a barrier, because he was under 6ft, and a user of vapes.
There might be a section that says ‘the thrill of passion’ and there’s an emoji of fire. If you see that, immediately swipe left, because that’s ‘I just want sex and I want it now’
— Elaine, on using an online dating app
Darren also had to cope with women unmatching from him for a myriad of reasons. These could be simply asking how the women were; them finding out he has tattoos; them realising he wasn’t good at DIY; that his children live with him half the time, and that he is legally separated but not divorced.
Being rejected because of his star sign was the most bizarre. “I had one lady unmatch with me because I was a Libra and she told me ‘all Libras cheat’ – that was news to me,” he says.
Despite the ups and downs, Darren plans to continue using the dating apps. “I delete the app when I get sick of it and reinstall it when I feel lonely. It’s a vicious cycle, but I don’t see any other way of meeting someone.” He says matchmakers are prohibitively expensive.
Claire Treacy (45) is one of those with an online dating success story. She met her husband Dave on Tinder when she was 35. They now have two children.
She tried the social single route, but found that even in pubs, a lot of men were “like a rabbit in the headlights going ‘oh my God, she wants to marry me’, whereas [in reality] I just want to talk to you”. Claire puts this down to a common misperception that women in their mid-30s just want to get married and have children.
Claire Treacy only experienced dating apps for six weeks, but even in that brief time she encountered unpleasant and explicit messages. Photograph: Alan Betson
Dave was the second person she met online, so Claire only experienced the apps for six weeks, but even in that brief time she encountered unpleasant and explicit messages. “I remember one guy, the first message was ‘I have a big [penis]’.” She blocked him immediately.
Dave “just came across as normal” when she encountered him, she says, which is why she was drawn to him. “He was into normal things, like rugby… He’d help anybody with anything. Even now, he always sees the good in things.”
Ultimately “the whole thing is luck”, she says, “whether you meet online or not”.
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Alanna (45)*, who has never been in a long-term relationship, always wanted to meet a special person. She embraced the newness of online dating during the initial stages.
“I really wanted to meet someone and have that companionship –and up to recently always wanted to have children, and I suppose have that idyllic fairytale that everybody has.”
However, as time has passed, her enthusiasm for it has changed. “My experience of it has been a lot of ghosting [suddenly cutting off all contact with a person], going to meet people and they’re not what they say in their profiles. And people misrepresenting themselves – that they’re there for a relationship, but they’re not really.”
When the conversation would turn to children, Alanna was “always very honest” that it was something she envisaged for herself. “Then you just wouldn’t get anybody contacting you back, rather than being adult about it and saying ‘well that’s not what I want’,” she says.
We were chatting for about a year, and we met up once for lunch after talking for about nine months
— Louise Cummins on meeting her partner
Online dating also meant a lot of time-wasters. “They weren’t really looking for a relationship. That’s the bottom line. I found it really soul destroying… it completely knocked my confidence. I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with me.”
Conversations on apps have turned to “sexual talk, very quickly”, Alanna says, leaving her wondering, “How did we even get here?”
The younger men who contacted her were “clearly not looking for any sort of relationships”. “But there was also a lot of married people… or people in relationships, that you’d discover after talking for a while.”
Meeting people as you get older becomes more difficult, says Alanna. With many of her friends married and having children, the chances to be out meeting people were less.
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“And then, with the greatest will in the world, you have your friends introducing you to the other single breathing person in the room who you have nothing in common with.”
Despite her experiences with online dating, Alanna is still hopeful she will meet someone with whom to build a life.
Elaine*, in her mid-50s, has been trying online dating “on and off for years” since her marriage breakdown. It suited for “convenience” with a busy schedule of work and children.
The whole experience can “be disheartening”, she says, having been ghosted, had fake profiles contact her and been stood up.
“One occasion, I was to meet somebody. I got there and had gone to the bother of getting a blow dry, only to find that this person isn’t there. And when I message to see if he was delayed, I discover he has blocked me.”
Her experience is that younger men who approach older women often just want sex. “It’s such a big time-waster. You could be making an effort for ages with somebody and then all of a sudden they’re gone.
“You wonder how are there other people meeting people and I don’t. I deserve to meet somebody.”
But over time, Elaine has learned to “read into” the prompts.
”There might be a section that says ‘the thrill of passion’ and there’s an emoji of fire. If you see that, immediately swipe left, because that’s ‘I just want sex and I want it now’.”
Christine Redmond, cyberpsychology researcher at the Institute of Art, Design and Technology
Christine Redmond, cyberpsychology researcher at the Institute of Art, Design and Technology (IADT), is familiar with middle-aged daters’ new experiences of the way communication and language work online.
“When you’re creating a profile online, you’re adding in what your ‘love language’ is.
“For some people in middle age, some of these concepts can be very new,” she says. Love language, Redmond explains, is a trend that describes “how a person likes to receive love and express love”. Examples include acts of service, where you carry out a basic act that you know your partner would like, and physical touch. When people don’t use the same love language, they may decide they’re not compatible.
A lot of men tend to use the “physical touch” option on apps, she says. A lot of women, however, find this “a red flag, a warning sign”.
Other factors such as “hyper-personal communication” can lead to disappointment. This can mean connecting intensely with someone online, and achieving a feeling that the person “gets me”.
“You begin to already imagine what that first date might be like… And the more you share personal information online with this person, and the more vulnerable you are, the closer you feel to them… Then when you go and meet them in real life, the person that you’ve built up in your head can’t really match the expectations.”
Sometimes men can feel pressure to be “performative and funny”, and if they can’t think of something witty to say, they may just stop communicating, leaving the other person wondering why they have been ghosted, she says.
Women, she says, are “much more selective in how they swipe” than men. “The result is that women then get matched with a lot of men, compared to men not getting matched with the same number.”
Communicating online can also result in an increase in ghosting. Engaging through screens rather than in person can create an “online disinhibition effect”, she says.
“You’re not seeing their facial reactions. That can make you less likely to have empathy, less likely to think about the consequences of your actions.”
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Redmond cautions that dating apps are designed to “take your money”, to keep you using them. “Ultimately they don’t want you to find a relationship, because [then] you won’t be using the app.”
Someone who found love online when they were older was Louise Cummins (50). It wasn’t through the usual dating apps but “through Facebook” that she met her now partner when aged 42, she explains.
Louise was separated from her ex-husband when she met her partner, who was also separated, having returned to Ireland from a period abroad. The pair were already aware of each other but didn’t know one another. Louise’s partner, a few years older than her, had attended the same primary school, but he was several years ahead.
“We would have had similar Facebook friends. He saw something I’d commented on… and he just friended me. We were chatting for about a year, and we met up once for lunch after talking for about nine months,” she explains. The couple met up again about three months after this lunch “and we just really clicked and we’re together since then”.
The couple live near each other, back in their childhood home village now. “I don’t think we ever would have spoken even, when we were younger,” she says.
Louise says she has had a “few really tough years”, including her youngest son having cancer (now recovered), and her new partner’s support has been “brilliant”.
“I don’t think I would have gotten through everything on my own. He’s a great shoulder.
“I always say I wish I’d met him years ago, but sure you could be different people then,” she says.
Louise had not been expecting to meet anyone [on Facebook]. With all of her friends in relationships, if she hadn’t met anyone, she thinks she would have ended up spending a lot of nights at home alone.
“It’s a new lease of life I didn’t expect at [this] age.”
*Some names have been changed to protect people’s anonymity; their identities are known to The Irish Times
