Saturday Night Live‘s Donald Trump told his “America First” supporters why they shouldn’t feel like he conned them with his deadly strikes on Iran with the goal of regime change: because not even he knows what he’s going to be doing next.
Trump (James Austin Johnson), the so-called “Board of Peace” leader who got “bored of peace,” began his announcement of the strikes from Mar-a-Lago by claiming that the actions were necessary now.
“As we all know, Iran has been two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon for the last 15 years or something, so we had to act now, and we’re doing war,” he began, before updating the lyrics to Edwin Starr’s 1970 song “War.”
“War: what is it good for? Distracting from the Epstein files!” he sang.
“And I know on the campaign trail I promised ‘no new foreign wars,’” he continued, before carving out an exception for himself. “But listen: ‘wars.’ Plural. I’m allowed to do one: one foreign war, and possibly one civil.”
The president then addressed his non-interventionist base, who have been fuming.
“To all my MAGA followers who are upset and saying ‘This is not what I voted for’: well, you did! Don’t you know who I am? I’m me! Even I don’t know what I’m going to do next,” he said. “I don’t get it. People beg and beg for Trump, and then when you get him, you don’t like him.”
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As for the timing of the strikes, which killed Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader since the late 1980s, Trump said it was partly due to the fact that it would be days until the stock market would have a chance to react. Also, he wanted to disrupt SNL writers’ plans at the last moment.
“Those guys were going crazy,” he boasted. “They probably had a big State of the Union address thing they were going to do. Not anymore!”
