The ‘greenhouse rule’: Mary Berry has sworn by one relationship habit for 60 years – and now therapists agree

If you were Mary Berry, and your husband of 60 years, Paul Hunnings, was winding you up, what would you do? Threaten to withhold your latest bake? While we can only imagine that would be a highly effective strategy, it is not – in fact – the one the real Queen of Cakes employs. Instead, her go-to response is to take a stroll to her greenhouse.

It sounds gloriously old-fashioned, yet therapists increasingly say this instinct – to cool off rather than boil over – may be one of the healthiest relationship habits couples can develop. The happiest long-term couples, we are now realising, prioritise friendship, emotional safety and calm communication over grand romantic gestures.

‘Amid the incredible speed of change we’re living through, we’re suddenly realising how valuable some of our older values are when it comes to relationships,’ says psychologist Dr Linda Blair. We’re also coming to see the importance of working on and maintaining those relationships. ‘There’s nothing more fundamental to human health and happiness than good relationships – both social and romantic. Their influence appears to eclipse even exercise,’ says Dr Blair.

‘Happiness is very, very important, but it can be elusive sometimes. You have to look after it,’ Mary has said. How? Well, she herself has been quietly expounding the same virtues in a happy relationship for decades. So, can the rest of us follow Mary Berry’s relationship recipe?

The Greenhouse Habit

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‘If I’m a bit miffed, I very often think, “Well, I’m not going to say that right now.” I’ll go to the greenhouse and do some cuttings,’ she has said. In other words, pause before firing back in anger.

Why?

This, says Dr Blair, is an excellent strategy – and not only within the context of a marriage. ‘It’s worth considering whenever you feel a rise in emotion, good or bad,’ she says. Ideally, you want your words to reflect both your logic and your emotions, says Dr Blair. ‘And if you don’t pause, it’s all emotion. Then, you can’t unsay what’s been said in the heat of the moment.’

How?

If you don’t have a greenhouse to retreat to, follow Dr Blair’s advice instead and quite literally: ‘Shut your mouth! Breathe in through your nose, hold that breath, then slowly let it come out your mouth. Now you can talk. The beauty is that nobody notices this slight pause but you.’

The Respect Habit

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Speaking to Vogue last year, Mary said that one of the key ingredients in a lasting marriage is: ‘Respect. Love, of course, but respect is so important.’

Why?

A massive landmark study led by Western University analysed data from more than 11,000 couples found that the single strongest predictor of relationship quality was perceived partner responsiveness – a scientific term for mutual respect. ‘When you show respect, not only are you nurturing the other person’s self-confidence, but you’re showing and exercising your own,’ says Dr Blair. After all: ‘We can’t give what we don’t have.’

How?

‘Be clear on the values you’re looking for, and how they’re reflected in the other person,’ says Dr Blair. Then, think about the words you use. Is your partner’s laundry pile really pushing your buttons? Articulate your feelings, rather than attributing blame. ‘It really makes me feel overwhelmed when the laundry piles up,’ may be more effective in the long-term than ‘You always leave your pants on the floor and I hate it.’ (NB: no one said it was easy…)

The Repair Habit

On the Happy Place podcast, Mary explained that saying sorry – even when it’s difficult – is one of the habits that has helped keep her marriage strong.

Why?

Apologising and accepting apologies are enormously powerful, says Dr Blair: ‘Resentment is like a deadweight inside you, dragging down your opportunities to be joyful. It’s not an accident that forgiveness is central to religion. It releases you as much as the other.’

How?

Well, first things first: don’t say sorry if you don’t mean it, says Dr Blair. One way or another, it will eventually become clear that you weren’t being sincere: ‘You’ll break some trust that, once broken, is hard to repair so don’t force yourself to do it till you’re ready. It may slow things down, but the wait will be worth it.’

If you can’t says sorry, there are other words you can use, she says. Try: ‘I could have done that better, and I have to take some responsibility for what happened here.’

After all, it takes two to tango: ‘Take responsibility for your share,’ says Dr Blair.

The gratitude habit

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Mary Berry with her husband Paul Hunnings, following being appointed Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire in 2021

Speaking about caring for her husband Paul as he’s grown frailer, Mary said: ‘It’s a sheer pleasure looking after him, because he’s so grateful.’

Why?

Gratitude, research suggests, is a vital part of the healthiest relationships. In 2015, a study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that feeling appreciated and believing that your spouse values you directly influences how you feel about your marriage, how committed you are to it, and your belief that it will last.

‘This is the first study to document the protective effect that feeling appreciated by your spouse can have for marriages,’ lead author Allen Barton said. ‘We think it is quite important as it highlights a practical way couples can help strengthen their marriage, particularly if they are not the most adept communicators in conflict.’

How?

It’s quite simple really. The research shows that both saying ‘thank you’ and actually feeling valued by your partner are both highly important to commitment. So be specific. Next time you get a cup of tea in bed, swap your off-the-cut ‘thanks’ for something a little more considered. ‘Thank you for making tea this morning, it really helped me wake up.’ Who knows, maybe he’ll shift that laundry pile next.